


Fuse

by revenblue



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Case Fic, Kissing, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 09:52:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18313214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revenblue/pseuds/revenblue
Summary: Of course, you know what a fuse is. It's a long piece of cord, impregnated with gunpowder. When you strike a match and light it, it burns, fitfully, sputteringly to its end... at which there is a little surprise.





	Fuse

**Author's Note:**

> Update April 4: When first posted, this was anon. I wanted to write something uncharacteristic and see how many people I could prank with the author reveal.

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. An intimidating name, at first. Shame the rest of it doesn't hold up.

The lock's easy enough to pick, as always. But as soon as I walk into the apartment, I'm hanging by the ankle. Again. If there's one thing I can count on my nemesis for, it's the traps.

Heinz, that lovable idiot Heinz, looks up at me. "Ah, Perry the Platypus, if you could just _hang around_ while I get my _inator_ ready..." Which he does, laughing at his own joke.

Second thing I can count on him for: the puns. He always acts like they're spur of the moment, but I've caught him practising.

Rolling my eyes, I pull my trusty pocket knife out of my suit pocket, reaching up to saw at the rope. "Fer the last time, I'm not a platypus." Not that I mind, if I'm honest with myself. It's nice to know he cares enough.

"I know _that_ , Perry the Platypus," he says, incorrigible as always, then gestures to the tv in front of him. "You'll never believe it! Brittany and Dylan, you know, from that one soap opera _you_ got me into, you remember that one, right? Well, they're _fighting_! Why can't they just admit they _like_ each other?"

He's one to talk. I've known he has _feelings_ for me for a while now, and he's never acted on them. Not sure why. Haven't asked. But that's more because I refuse to mix business and pleasure, as much as I can with my nemesis involved, anyway.

If I were more of a professional, I wouldn't have developed _feelings_ of my own.

The rope snaps under my knife and I grab the other end of it, letting my legs dangle below me. Can't go around snapping my neck in a bad fall, now, can I? After a moment to let my head clear, I drop to the floor, with a bit more noise than I'd prefer.

But this is Heinz. We have an _understanding_ , me and him. If he notices, he's too polite to say so.

He doesn't even turn around as I come up behind him, either, too intent on his _show_. Even better. Completely ignorant of his surroundings, this man.

"So, Doctor D. What have ya got fer me today?" I say, leaning on the back of his armchair.

Jumping out of his seat, he whirls around and shoves at my chest. "Don't _scare_ me like that! If you _must_ know, it's a Romantic Tension Resolve-inator. I hope you're happy, I had a whole _monologue_ planned, but _you_ just had to _ruin_ it."

Oh, I'm happy alright. From this angle he almost looks _imposing_. Almost. Maybe a bit too much slouch.

I raise an eyebrow anyway. No point telling _him_ , he'd crow about it for weeks.

"What, do you _want_ the monologue? Not sick of the sound of my voice? Because I am, I have to listen to it _all day_ , and _just where do you think you're going?_ "

To destroy his inator, where else?

He stares, aghast, as I turn back to face him and tip my hat. What good's a nemesis I can't taunt? Then he finds his brain and runs at me, fists swinging.

The first is easy to dodge. The second, I catch, using his momentum to throw him across the floor. There is no third.

It won't keep him down for long, I've fought him often enough to know that much, so I follow the path of chaos. Surprising, I know. Actually, it's more the path of _less_ chaos, since he's gone and collected the assorted scrap on the floor as he slid along.

Just as he's getting up again, shaking off the scrap, I jump on his back. It's the work of moments to tug his arms around behind him. "Ready to give up?" I murmur in his ear, digging one knee in. 

He chuckles, face pressed to the floor. "It's been warming up the whole time."

Shit. I can't let-

Dropping him, I turn back to the inator. Where's the button, where's the button, there's got to be a button if I just _look_... _There_. A flash of bright red.

Third thing I can count on him for: putting a self-destruct button on _everything_.

Not that it helps when I'm halfway across the room and it's broadcasting a growing wave of green energy from the central antenna. Of course he didn't bother making it _targeted_.

"Shit," I mutter as I climb to my feet, intent on reaching it before it's too big to stop. If the effect spreads to the city, I'm screwed. No. Deep breaths, Perry. I can do this. For the good of the Tri-State Area. I take one step, two-

So that's when Heinz takes my legs out from under me. Stubborn prick.

Pulling one leg free, I kick at his face while he wraps himself around my other knee like the world's clingiest octopus. "Gerroff me, ya sook." Preferably before I have to abandon my trousers. I've done it before, I'd do it again, but sometimes you need that little bit of dignity, you know?

Don't have to _this_ time, luckily. I pry him loose, sacrificing a shoe in the process, and run. He can have it. All I have to do is hit the self-destruct button, and I win. That's it. He won't make it easy, but then again he never does.

A hard object cracks against my skull and I stumble, swearing under my breath. Damn it. Damn him. I spare a glance back and see him run past a pale orange object. My shoe. The little shit threw my own _shoe_ at me.

Joke's on him, I'm still faster.

So he throws _another_ shoe at me, his own this time, then tackles me to the ground, _again_. And digs his elbow into my kidney, heavy enough despite his thin frame that I know it's all muscle. And titanium.

"Just don't know when to stop, do ya?" I jab my own elbow back, hard enough to make him lose his grip. Not enough to escape, but enough to spin around for some leverage of my own. Like a knee to the crotch. _That_ gives me the freedom to roll us both over so I'm staring down at him.

His face has an odd sort of handsomeness to it, one that's only enhanced by the pockmarks and the bags under his eyes and the wrinkles of a life well lived. Here's a man who always gives it his all. My nemesis. Sweat plasters bits of hair to his skin and I brush it away, threading my fingers through, holding his head in my hands.

"Perry the Platypus?" he breathes, my name on his bitten lips.

Pressing mine to them _might_ be a mistake, a voice in the back of my mind suggests, when it's too late to stop myself. Damn it.

I pull back, ready to apologise, only for him to grab my tie and drag me back in. The kiss this time is rougher, more like our fights, a whirl of teeth and tongues and the promise of victory.

Tangling his fingers in my hair, he dislodges my habitual fedora, sending it tumbling to the floor beside our heads as he nips and licks at my bottom lip, swallowing my protests. "You like that?" he whispers into my mouth. Curling his long legs around my waist, he _traps_ me so I can't escape, but damn if it doesn't feel _nice_.

And damn if I'm going to let him _win_. Tugging at his hair, I pull his head back so I can suck a bruise onto his neck. From here, I can taste the sweat on his skin, feel his quiet whimpers against my lips, watch him fall apart in my hands.

Then, when he's well and truly distracted, I yank off my other shoe and chuck it at the self-destruct button.

"Curse you, Heinz Doofenshmirtz," I murmur against his lips, as everything explodes around us. Okay, just the inator, but he wires those things up with a lot of bang. Then I kiss him again.

I figure I've earned it.

**Author's Note:**

> April Fools! It's me, revenblue.
> 
> Title and summary come from [Fuse](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoTv3fMovN4) by ~~Xero~~ Linkin Park. I mean, really, you can't expect me to be _completely_ off brand here XD
> 
> Spontaneously written uh _today_ (or more accurately this afternoon), bc wynaut. Only took nine hours XD


End file.
